he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
