just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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