She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
