id be glad to
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
