I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
