youre lurking in front of me
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
