walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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