Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
