There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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