Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
