Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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