i was born a porn star she said
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
