she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
