I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
