My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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