Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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