The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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