Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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