Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
