Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
