Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
