Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize