Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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