Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
