My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
3 2 1 whiskey
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
