I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Are these your boobs on my camera?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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