i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
