"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
And then he peed in my hair
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
