I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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