you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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