i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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