pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize