Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
no, he came in my armpit
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
