you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
