she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
