i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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