I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
