Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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