i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
