Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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