we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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