Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
