I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
