the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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