Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
