he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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