sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
