im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
