First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Sext me about skeletons
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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