come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
we're so committed to being not committed
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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