She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
