so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
