i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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