would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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