So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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