I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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