I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
