Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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