chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
