Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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