happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
