I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
