I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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