Pants 0. Shit 1.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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