Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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