alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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