Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
