I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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